Sunday, December 28, 2008

Not feeling too well right now emotionally! A lot going through my mind, my future, my relationship, family, friends, I have been doing some serious thinking lately and there is just some things I would like to change about myself! I feel like I have no one to talk about it with. I mean, I do, but I feel like people might get tired of hearing me complain so I am keeping it to myself and just trying to take action on these things rather than just talk about it! I know something needs to be done because this past week or so I have come to do some major realizing! I have been basing my future on things that have happened in the past...I have come to realize that the past cannot be changed....and you can't predict the the present is the only time that I can control, I can control my future to some extent I suppose! I just want peace and happiness and right now I am too stressed out 85% of the time to just sit back and relax! I have been pondering the possibility of maybe talking to someone professional, a life coach! I think he/she could help me a lot! Anyways, I'm just thinking out loud, this needed to be said so that's it for now! Just feeling down and looking at this picture of Jalisa made me smile! This is my new favorite picture of her!

Cathching up....

I haven't been very loyal to my blog, I think about making a post from time to time but just never really get around to it!

Jalisa is now 15 months old, wow, its been 2 months since I have blogged! Christmas is over, Thank God, it just came and went way too quickly! Jalisa had quite the Christmas, I must say! I had an awesome time watching her unwrap gifts and playing with all her presents! I think the older you get, the more joy you get out of seeing your children unwrap gifts than you get out of unwrapping gifts yourself! My house is full of toys, Dora, Hello Kitty, legos, you name it, it's probably on my living room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen floor! HA!

Right now as I am writing this Jalisa is laying in her bed playing, she had me fooled, I thought she was asleep but I hear her toys rattling and I hear her giggling at herself! I think she has an invisible friend, it's also cute how she talks and laughs to herself!
So I took a break and went to make some coffee and check on my little brat and she is finally passed out! She looks so peaceful sleeping with her paci in her mouth!!!!
I must say I am really proud to be a mom, she has given me a whole new perspective on life, she has also shown me that just because I am a mom, doesn't mean that I can't still have fun! I have had the most fun in my life catering to her needs and spending time with my little family! She shows me that it is ok to to not be perfect! That I am definitely NOT, I try my hardest though! When I look at her, I can't help but see John's face, they just look so much alike, the only trait she has of mine is her pale skin, and I don't think that will ever change. We were meant to be very very white! :) I love my little princess with all my heart!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Growing up...

I've never so much really shared my story growing up for many reasons; mainly because I feel like I like to live in the "now" and not the past but I feel inspired enough now to share where I come from! Now we all come from different backgrounds, religions, etc...

My mother, Darla Gray, is my inspiration for all that I do, she is my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, the best Grandma I can ask for my daughter, and the funniest person I know!!! She was 19 when she had me and she had been married to my biological father for 2 years before she had me. She stresses, to this very day, how much she loved (and still does love) him but also stresses how many painful years he put her through. Well when I was 2 years old, they got a divorce and Mom ran away with me to get me out of the incest, drugs, alcohol abuse, and un-necessary drama to bring me into a better world with a better up bringing. I still cannot thank her enough for it after I have slowly learned what kind of life my biological father has lead for the past 21 years of my life! We'll get back to that later on in the story...

So, my mom moves to Texas from Arkansas to be with my grandparents and start a new life, and meets my step-father, James. She said he fell in love with me from the moment he met me and i grew up knowing him as "My James" but never called him Dad, i just didn't feel any comfort in calling him Dad, not to say that I didn't love him at all. They then gave me the two best things that i could ask for at that point in my life, two little bratty brothers! J.D. (James Daniel) and A.J. (Anthony Joseph). Later on when we finally decided my biological father could give a shit less about getting to know me, James stepped up and told my mother that he wanted to adopt me, so he did, and I still have his last name, GRAY. Well a few years down the road, Robert (my bio dad) calls my mom demading to see me and she basically told him he hadn't earned it nor deserved it! Well then she gave in and wanted me to have the oppurtunity to know who he was and make my judgement on him based on MY facts and understanding of him and not go by what she had told me about him (which wasn't ALL bad things). So I met him and i could not even express the nervous feeling I had in my stomach the whole time on my way to meet him! I hadn't known him for the past 10 years of my life...i was scared, to say the least!

Well I met him, my step-mom, and my brother I never knew about. It wasn't so bad but I just felt like he was still a stranger and i didn't care about him much! So we talked on and off for 3 years, the last time i talked to him for 3 more years was on my 15th birthday! After that he said he had stopped calling because he could sense that I did not want to have anything to do with him and he felt as if he were messing up my already established family! Which was true!
So I go from the age of 15 to 17 going through the most horrible teenage years you could imagine, not so much related with drugs and alcohol but more of just wanting to be independant and not getting the Independance I though I deserved. My mom and James were really strict and hardly ever allowed me to do anything outside of home, so that made me rebel BIG TIME...mainly with John, he was my boyfriend through out high school and i would sneak him in the house and do everything i can to be with him, even if it meant lying to my parents. So then it got to a point where James would get violent here and there, hitting me and my mom! You can only put up with it for so long until you just break! So when I was 17, i broke! He hit my mom and i had dealt with it for the last time, I called the cops and then got kicked out. i moved in with my Grandmother and Grandfather, come to find out was 10x worse than living at home, they never hit me or anything of that nature, they were just too anal for my teenage ways! Yea so it was definitely my fault. (I resented my mother for letting James tell me I needed to find another place to live. She was stuck in the middle, of course. Torn between her daughter and her husband!!!!!!!!)

Then after some breaking up with John and back and forth with him we finally decided to stay together and move in together, that was the biggest step i had taken in my whole life! A step for the best, i must say!!!!! So i moved in with him at 17 and he was 18, well we lived 30 minutes away from my school, it was a chore to get up and go to school everyday but i made it, i graduated my senior year on time with my diploma, which was quite an accomplishment for a young girl who had no clue on how to get a handle on the real world!

SOOOOO....after a few months of living with John, i finally had the independance i wanted, WE finally had the independance we wanted...we made a life together and I wanted my Biological father to be proud of what I had turned out to be so I FINALLY felt comfortable within myself to iniate the contact with him. So I did and now i talk and text him all the time, we are close BUT I am even closer with James, despite the past confrontations and so forth...I just like my parents a lot more when I don't live with them and now that I have established a family of my own, they are all proud of me for doing all this on my own with very little of their help!!!!

My biological father is still into the drugs for all I am concerned (per my stepmother) but now if i don't ask, they don't I like not knowing, just as long as he doesn't bring it around me and my family!!!

Im following the trend...

...of all my F*A*B* mommas from Cafemom!

I have decided to start a blog, yipee! Well I am a 21 year old, determined, loving Mother of a 13 month old princess, Jalisa Jade!! I am an a ffectionate, hardworking, heartfelt Lover of a 22 year old man, John! Jalisa and John are my EVERYTHING, my life, my soul, my hardwork is put towards them first, and then comes everything else in my life! I am blessed to have my family and friends close and only a phone call away. I have 3 siblings that are all teenage boys. My eldest is my brother, Stephen who is 18 and resides with my biological father, and step-mother in Oklahoma, My other 2 brothers (my mom and step-dad's sons) are J.d.; 18 in two weeks, and A.J.; 16. They live here in Houston only 30 minutes from me...they are also my life!!!

I am a hard-worker (which i have now mentioned 3 times) at a company in Spring, TX where I sell Satellite Internet and Television, and I also do the accounting for my boss's 3 companies he runs in the Marketing field! I love my job and my life, nothing makes me more happy than knowing everything I own, I have worked my tail off for!

A couple of things that bother me is fake people, "know-it-alls", and rude, inconsiderate people!
I can't stand someone who is so overly happy that they seem so fake, it just makes me uncomfortable. If you know everything, or think you know everything, don't force your opinions or knowledge on me unless I ask for it, to me its just rude. AND If you are rude to me and inconsiderate of my feelings, don't expect me to take it, I will let you know in a heartbeat how you've hurt my feelings or have pissed me off! Other than that, I am a really easy-going person and for the most part, down-to-earth. I am a BIG people person! I love talking to people in person, on-line, on the phone, etc...

I am also very diverse, completely color blind and open to try MOST things at least once if it's not against my morals! I have strong faith in the Lord, although I do not attend church, and I do cuss a lot...I don't make myself out to be perfect because I know I'm not.

John and I are not married even though I want nothing more for our relationship than to further it with vows, and eventually another child so that Jalisa Jade could have a sibling. We have been going strong for almost 5 years (november 2nd) and I could not dream, nor ask for anything else in a man.

My life changed for the best when I found out I was going to be a mom, I was only 19 when I found out and to tell you the truth, I did not become the least bit scared about it! I knew God would bless me with a Princess that would just make me the happiest person alive. I knew I was in good hands with John at the time of realizing we were going to be parents, he didn't have to tell me and I didn't have to ask, i knew he was going to be a wonderful Dad and be all he could be for his family!
Life is great as long as you don't concentrate on all the negative aspects of it all the time!!!!!!!!